resistance training

Resistance Training

I need resistance training for more than one reason.

Simple resistance training - lifting weights, adding muscle, makes me stronger, healthier, able to do more.

But that isn’t the resistance that haunts me.

It’s the resistance that sits like a impenetrable wall, invisible and yet somehow also prevents me from moving forward. That’s what I need training for, or rather against.

Mental resistance. It’s not a thing, and yet it is. It’s not physical, not formed, and yet somehow it’s as strong as any physical object blocking my path.

It’s the procrastination, the wasted time, the continued research, the TV watching, the inability to actually start. When I get an idea, when I want to create something, when I want to begin, I feel the pressure of resistance.

Just like weight training, you don’t start with the heaviest weight. You can’t magically build muscles overnight, it’s a process of repetition and consistency. I understand that intellectually, but somehow the planning needed to overcome mental resistance is more challenging than anything physical.

I used to think I was the only one with this issue. I still sometimes feel like there’s no one else who really understands it. I think everyone else has it figured out. I mean, after all, look at all the things that get created in the world, look at the people who put it all out there. Those people can’t suffer from resistance, right? They don’t have the doubts, the procrastination, the reluctance to start, the inability to finish anything. They just go do the damn thing, they don’t think about it.

That’s what I tell myself. Even the ones that talk about the struggle, the ones that discuss the resistance in whatever way they can, the people who try to share with others how to get past it. I hear that and tell myself, “Yea, but you still don’t really understand it, because you’re doing something, creating something, so you must not have my problem because you actually DID it.”

In my mind, the act of DOING somehow discredits the person from having any struggle in getting there. I feel the “doing” is simple for everyone else but me. I know I’m wrong. I know others feel it too. I know it haunts other people, I’m not alone.

I’d like to believe that the ability to push past it just one time will make it easier. But what if it doesn’t? What if pushing past it just gets you a little bit ahead, and then it’s still chasing you?

I feel like running only makes it worse. I need to stop, turn around and ask the resistance directly, “What the F do you really want? Why do you feel the need to keep me safe? What don’t you want me to reach? Why are you trying to stop me?”

Weight lifting makes your muscles sore, it breaks down the muscle fibers only to make them stronger.  Mental resistance training can be painful too, but I have to believe in the long run it’s worth it. It’s just so freakin hard, it’s a struggle for me and a challenge not to compare myself to others who’ve been training for years.

I’m trying. That’s all I can do.